The 9th Earl of Sandwich

Many people know of the original Earl of the Island of Sandwich, but he had a nephew who also made an impact on what we know today as lunch.

The 9th Earl was very depressed.  He once tried to get a dolphin to trap him in a net, but he was not successful.  He once asked a zebra to kick him in the head, but that didn't work either.  He was always trying to get some sort of wild creature to assist his suicide.  Nothing worked.  He was bumbed out.

Why was the 9th Earl so depressed?  He had been in love with a very old turtle and he knew he could never be with her.  He met her when he was 12, and she was there when he had his first, ahem, nighttime disturbance in his pants.

One night the old turtle told him she had met another turtle, and they were going to elope in Mexico.  He took the news badly.  Oh, so badly.  He begged a chimp to maul him, but the chimp felt so bad for him, he said, "No Way, man!"

That night the 9th Earl spun silk into a thin, thin material, which would later become known as plastic.  He sewed a zipper on the top and stuck his head inside (he jerked off to the turtle of course because that's what grown men do).

At that same time Baron Von Glad was arriving in the port on his mighty ship Black Wendy.  He told his men to stay on the ship in case there were savages on the island.  The first thing he found when he hit the shore was the 9th Earl.  Dead as a doornail--his dick still in his hand.   The plastic zippy thing was on the ground, empty now.

Baron Von Glad grabbed the zippy thing and headed to town to report what he thought was a crime of passion.  On the way in, he ran into the other Earl of Sandwich.  He had a fantastic luncheon item, which he offered to Baron Von Glad.  Two slices of bread, blah blah you get it.  He gave the item to Baron Von Glad and told him to flee before the savages found him.

Lucky for Baron Von Glad he had the zippy thing.  He tossed the sandwich into the plastic, zipped the top and swam back out to his ship.

The poor 9th Earl was dead, but his memory lives on in lunch boxes and crime scenes everywhere.